143 Pt. 2 Who You Lovin' ?

It better be YOURSELF! I can talk all day about #selflove. In fact, this blog post was a bit delayed as I found myself chopping and editing out material for the sake of an easy read. But alas, here we are...

Storytime: I was around the age of 26 when my biggest personal metamorphosis began. From my POV, life tends to have pivotal moments that catapult a new chapter or phase of your being. Almost like a bookmark in the manuscript of your personal story. During this time, I felt a stagnant energy around me and felt this overwhelming urge to get up and go. So, I ditched my familiar surroundings and moved to North Jersey. I didn't have to trek cross country to find reprieve. Where I lived just started to feel too small. I'm huge on energy; and my belief is that everything holds an energy lifeforce of its own, from a single person to an entire city.

Once I moved, I began to meet new faces and go places that were more aligned with the woman I sought to be. I had a vision for myself. Ashley 2.0 would be focused, disciplined (mind + body), while delighting in new connections and experiences. Life looked and felt unfamiliar almost instantly, and my God was it exhilarating. We know Rome wasn't built in a day, but it felt my new fortress of solitude sprang about damn near overnight. Once it was in place, I intentionally worked to safeguard it. Something was happening here, but I was so busy at the time, I wasn't still enough to conceptualize it. I now see I was learning to love myself differently, and much more than I had in the past by making concerted efforts to listen to my needs. That tiny location change (which distanced myself from unbeneficial energetic environments) showed me just how consequential your domain is.

Fast forward 3 years, another bookmark in my "growth spurt" was when I became a mother at 29. Talk about a mindset shift. Nothing was the same. Mamas, you know! Motherhood taught me oh so much in such a short span of time. Prior to having my sons, Mase and Cam, I would hardly say "no." Declining invites or shutting down requests for favors was rare. Putting the kibosh on this behavior was an adjustment for me as I like to be present and support the best way I can. But, I had to get honest with myself, it's not always feasible. Back then, something as simple as rest wasn't a good enough excuse to not show up. Over time, I was able to change that for myself in a big way.

Along with enforcing boundaries and prioritizing myself- holding people accountable was also included in this new curriculum of motherhood. I had to do some serious unlearning here. How many times have we seen things encouraging us to have zero expectations of others as a way to circumvent conflict and disappointment? That this approach, is somehow a healthy way to navigate flaky people. I don't buy into this notion. Loving yourself means respecting yourself to set a standard for anyone that has real access to you.

On my self love journey I've also learned to ease up on self criticism. I come from a family of no nonsense women. While we grew up surrounded by love -'No excuses' was a way of life and tough love was never short on supply. Yes, this upbringing has yielded helpful qualities, but it has also aided us in becoming hyper critical of ourselves sometimes. What was missing too often, was giving ourselves the kindness and grace we needed during our journeys. That proverbial pat on the back as we took steps forward.

Consequently, it wasn't until becoming a mother that I really learned to celebrate small wins and not be such a hard a** on myself.  It felt triumphant to power through the early stages of caregiving as being in the throes of parenthood can be a whirlwind!. You feel victorious after small feats like getting a few hours of solid sleep  (after being sleepless for months.) Also seeing my twin babies smile at the end of a long day when all you did was wonder if you did enough was validating. This whole motherhood thing made light bulb go off. I felt like a winner no matter how rough the day went and my perspective shifted tremendously. This mindset seeped into other areas of my life. I became proud of what I accomplished incrementally. I also stopped focusing so much on outcomes and grew an appreciation of the gifts the journey gives us.

Can we talk about accepting praise? Yall, I was notorious for countering a compliment with a "girl this is nothing, or this old thing?" I've always had confidence and pride in myself, but somehow it felt a little self indulgent to flat out accept praise, particularly if the compliment came from another woman. I've noticed this behavior in other women as well, so I know I am not alone. There are times I backslide, but for the most part, I've learned to simply say "thank you" or "I receive it." There is absolutely nothing wrong, far less self indulgent about owning your greatness and expressing gratitude for their acknowledgement. Nor do we need to add some dreaded detail of how [said great thing] came to be. It simple is, relish in it.

Can't have a conversation about self love unless we include self care. First, a little context about my day to day. I 9-5 it on a hybrid basis in NYC, care for my 6 year old twin boys (includes their homework, managing their appointments, sports and school schedules, all the things.) Let's not forget, as parents (especially of younger children,) we carry the mental load of guiding them as they navigate their own emotional and social needs. Essentially, we are operating out of one body for multiple lives. Exhausting right? No wonder we find ourselves on our knees peering through the cracks of the ground our own needs have fallen through. In these moments, it's so easy to neglect ourselves. But that is why I find it more important than ever to give myself what I require to sustain and hopefully thrive. The time I set aside for myself is non negotiable. I put it on the calendar and everyone is accustomed to it. Time in nature, therapy, reading, and writing are my go to weekly carve outs for internal self care. Each morning, a quiet cup of half-caff coffee is a MUST! One of the twins is an early riser, and tends to be up before his brother and I. I'll give him hugs x kisses & OJ first thing. He knows immediately after this, I make my coffee and have at least 15 quiet minutes alone to enjoy. Before I scurry off into my corner, he and I clink cups for a little cheers. He doesn't (usually) interrupt and I do not feel guilty for it. What I do feel guilty about, is having shorter patience from not honoring my needs with something as little as taking a timeout to set the tone for the day.

Self care in a physical sense means eating healthy foods and getting my body moving even when I can't make the gym. This is a safe space right? Ok, cool. Let me tell you this, you'll never hear me say looking good from diet and exercise is a plus and that it's all about the health component. For me, looking good is part of the point. When you are well maintained on the outside, whatever that looks like for you, you feel more empowered!

Perhaps my favorite glow up in self love is the ability to trust yourself & validate your own feelings. I invest in this practice on so many levels and have gained an unshakable autonomy. It felt so liberating when I really leaned into the fact that no one knows myself better than me. If you find yourself constantly seeking counsel with others, it might be time to have a sit down with yourself. It's time well spent, trust me on this. Let's stop second guessing ourselves. We are powerful intuitive beings that are well equipped with all the answers we seek if we can learn to tap into it. Proof or external validation needn't be had when that quiet inner wisdom guides you. Let me be clear, I am not promoting a lone wolf mentality. I love asking for different perspectives , or even having an accountability partner in some fashion.  People will need people until the end of time. But at the end of the day, a self assured person can trust themselves to make the best decisions for themselves.

I need my guys to pay attention to this one for me. Loving yourself means allowing yourself to feel your emotions and give yourself grace when you are emotionally tapped out. We have a plethora of feelings for a reason. Shadow banning them can cause issues with your mental and emotional well being. Studies have also shown emotional suppression to have adverse physical effects. Let yourself feel without the need to feel like you have to fix it. There is power in pause. I have entire weeks where work, motherhood, grief, or a combination of the three will kick my a**. I take time to sit with my feelings and learned not to shame myself for not operating at 100% capacity. I realize when your bandwidth is at 60% and you give whatever at the time the full 60%, you gave it your all. #Grace.

There's a quote that brings me to my next lesson in self love. “Not only do self-love and love of others go hand in hand, but ultimately they are indistinguishable.” — M. Scott Peck. When you love yourself, you love others and keep judgement at bay. The kindness and care in which you provide yourself ultimately spills out on other people. The reverse is also true. My biggest gripe with socials, is that they are a conduit of mindless commentary and comparison. #Whack. Lord knows I try to get the algorithms right by unfollowing such accounts. I always say, if your direct words or actions are not helping another, they're likely hindering. Sometimes you may find yourself or others around you in this space of critical behavior. It's just a symptom of the times we are in. It's OK to say "I'm tripping," and dial it back. It's called being human.

As I mentioned, I could go on for eons on this topic. However, my last thought is this- As you journey through your own self love story, don't forget you are the editor. You can flip the script whenever you'd like. This self love thing is like a muscle and the more you practice it, the stronger it gets, so don't compare your day 1 to someone else's day 100. Your mere existence merits all the goodness and love this world has to offer- so first, give it yourself.

~you got this, Ash